The ‘do you like it’ trap

Shannon is five. She is an anxious eater but her parents have learned about positive mealtime parenting practices and as a result, her confidence is building every day. Shannon rarely engages with foods that are not on her accepted list, but then one day, a small hand reaches out to a plate of cucumber and Shannon takes a slice, has a bit of a sniff and a lick – and then a tentative nibble.

Shannon’s Dad is thrilled! “Do you like the cucumber?” he asks her. “No.” says Shannon.

 

Let’s translate:

Shannon’s Dad is actually expressing all of his hope and joy that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel – that Shannon may one day be able to eat a varied diet and that he won’t be worrying anymore: worrying that she is undernourished, worrying about her weight and growth… worrying about how she will handle Jamie’s party on Saturday.

By asking if Shannon liked the cucumber, her Dad is telling her: “I’m so happy you ate that!!!” His enthusiasm is powerful – he wants to acknowledge the enormity of her step outside her comfort zone; he wants to encourage her.

He is also asking her: “Is this a new food? Can we add it to your list?” because he wants this so badly.

 

What about Shannon’s “no”. What does that mean?

It means: “I’m not ready to commit to having you expect me to interact with cucumber every day. I am feeling good today, not too tired, not too stimulated. I may not want to do this tomorrow.”

It means: “I don’t know if I like it. Cucumber is still really new for me.”

It means: I don’t know exactly what it is to ‘like’ something… I only eat my accepted foods – I don’t know if this sensation of newness means that I dislike it, or just that it is super unfamiliar to me. That wet feeling… I’m not used to that – it feels strange – does that mean I don’t like it?”

It means: “stop looking at me! I am uncomfortable with this focus on my eating, I just felt like having a bit of an explore of that cucumber and now I feel self-conscious.”

 

“Do you like it” is a closed question

It forces a ‘yes / no’ answer – it pushes children out of that big fuzzy grey area where learning happens, and into black and white. It asks for reassurances the child can’t give.

 

“Do you like it?” is an understandable question

It is an understandable question to ask because it comes from a place of REALLY wanting the child to like that food. And it’s part of our culturally normal talk about food. Especially where children are avoidant eaters, there is much said – often in their presence – about what they do and don’t like.

 

But “do you like it?” closes doors.

Instead, try engaging with the sensory properties of the food. Maybe help yourself to some cucumber, take a nibble and reflect on how it feels “this feels wet and cool!”

Follow your child’s lead and if they want to share with you how the experience of trying a food was for them, go with that. They may say “it tastes weird!”  – don’t be tempted to tell them it tastes great, or to praise them for having a go. Just tune in and reflect their feelings back: “that cucumber tasted pretty strange to you!”

This is hard because it involves putting all your feelings to one side and talking in a way that may not feel natural at first. After all, what is more normal that asking someone if they like the food they have just tried? But if you can simply let your child stay in a place of not knowing if they like a new food but feeling good about exploring it, you will be helping them learn to like a whole range of new foods when they are ready to.