What counts as a family meal?

We know that eating together is better. We know it intuitively, professionals recommend it and research supports it, too. But when I talk about the importance of the family meal, sometimes parents respond with anxiety. They tell me they can’t make a family meal happen, because they are a single parent, or perhaps they and their partner work shifts and are just not able to eat at the same time. I wanted to write this post for those parents; I want to tell you that a family meal may not be what you think it is, and I want to talk about family meals in a way that is realistic and achievable in the context of modern family life. 

What is a family meal? 

Thanksgiving or Hannukah dinner? The Waltons with several kids around the table? Grandma sitting down to eat along with Mum, Dad and all the children? A picnic with family and friends? Or just you and your little one, sitting down together at the breakfast bar? The answer is: all of the above. 

A family meal is an eating opportunity where a child sits down to eat with an adult in a connected way 

The family meal test: three questions you can ask yourself 

• Is the adult eating too?
• Is the adult taking time to authentically connect with the child, beyond ‘getting food down them’?
• Barring specific dietary requirements, can everyone help themselves to the same foods if they choose to?*

If the answer to all three of these questions is ‘yes’, then you are having a family meal. Because a family meal is not about how many people are sitting around the table, it’s about engaging with your child and teaching them through what they see you modelling. It is about understanding that meals are fundamentally communal but that community is about the quality of relationships, not having a pinterest-worthy dining room, being a large family or fitting with societal norms. 

Family meal FAQs:

I don’t want to eat at the same time as my child, how can I have a family meal?

Maybe you can consider shifting your schedule so they eat slightly later and you eat slightly earlier, or perhaps you can sit with them and just take a small quantity of food, before you eat a larger meal later.  

I want to eat with my partner when they come in from work – this is our adult time!

Could you give this up just one or two nights a week? Could you make sure you get that adult time in other ways? 

I don’t want to eat the kind of foods my child eats

See the footnote about family style serving – this approach will solve this problem for you right out of the gate. Even if your child only eats crackers and yoghurt, if these are served as part of a family meal where you sit down with them, chat about their day, take a cracker alongside your poached chicken and spinach and focus on some positive time together, you are having a family meal. 

I’m too busy to eat with my child

Perhaps you rely on the time your child is eating to do other things… maybe this is when you check in with emails, you get the kitchen tidied up or just take a minute for yourself, and have a coffee in the other room. Rather than just removing a habit which is effectively a coping strategy, try to replace it. If your child’s meal is your quiet time, set up an activity for them after they’ve eaten and take a minute to check your emails or have your coffee then. It can feel stressful when things get a bit messy and chaotic but if you can tolerate losing a bit of control over your environment, this is a small price to pay for the opportunity to sit down and tune in with your child.

I find it stressful eating with my child

The truth is that for many parents, mealtimes have become a battleground and it may be really hard to imagine sitting down with your child to eat in a way that is actually enjoyable or positive for either of you. Shifting these complex dynamics is not easy but it is possible – this article suggests some starting points.

Small steps

Can you change your habits to include just one additional family meal per week? Over a year, this adds up to more than 50 family meals! One study showed that just sometimes having family meals actually predicted an increase in the amount of fruit and vegetables consumed by children. 

Feeding children is not about perfection. Neither is it about setting up unrealistic goals that you then feel terrible about because they are not achievable. But if you can find just one thing to do that will move you closer to more opportunities to enjoy a family meal with your little one – whatever that might look like – you may be surprised at the benefits. 

 

*This approach is often called  ‘family style serving’ – meals where everyone can take what they like from a selection of dishes, and accepted foods are included for children (and adults!) who find eating hard.  Read more here. This self-service model enables you to use Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding.